Bloody Ledger
by ObsessedFan1
Summary: That one week a month when a woman gets really, really upset. Poor, poor Avengers. Rated T for 13 and up young women things.


**This has been sitting on my computer for years. Literally. I cleaned it up last summer, but I'm only unloading it now. My excuse for how ridiculous it is: my sister and I came up with it at, like, two in the morning? I unfortunately own this, I don't own Marvel.**

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"WHO FINISHED THE POT OF COFFEE AND DIDN'T PUT AN ANOTHER ONE ON?"

Tony and Bruce both jumped at the disruption. The advanced machinery they were working on fell to the ground with a crash, adding to the din of Natasha screaming at Thor for not putting a new pot a coffee on after he had finished the last one.

"—and it seems impossible for you to even consider thinking about the rest of us, who need coffee, and just because you're such a big shot on your stupid home planet, does not mean that you can действуйте как небольшое дерьмо, таким образом Вы только вызываете слюнотечение и когда Вы становитесь измученными жаждой you'll have to make your own банан и как это, потому что я думаю, что Вы должны снять ваши носки, and if you think that you can get away от сумасшедших демонов, которые населяют мою душу, я передумаю в мышление противоположности и могу брить половину вашей главы and then I will force you to EAT THEM!"

Dead silence seemed to ring throughout Stark Tower after Natasha's bio-lingual outburst, until the noise of a shattering glass door pane sounded.

Tony was the first to break to quiet. "Does she seem upset to you?"

"No, Stark," Steve half-yelled at his teammate, "She was perfectly cheerful."

"Nay, friend," Thor told him solemnly, "Lady Natasha is deeply distressed."

"It's called sarcasm, Thor," Tony said, "and I honestly didn't think you could use it, Cap."

"Yes, I can, Stark. Now could we please figure out what the he—"

He broke off as Natasha stormed back in, literally as Thor grabbed his hammer and started throwing off sparks, and glared at the four men.

"If I can't have my coffee, I'm want hot chocolate. Where is it?"

"Ummm," Tony started, "Since when do you drink cocoa, isty-bisty?" The redhead's eyes flashed. Then she had a knife at Tony's throat. No one quite knew how she did it, but honestly, one word: Russian.

"My name, Stark, is _Natasha Romanoff_. Call me that, or so help me, I will rip your throat out. Am I clear?"

Tony gulped. "Crystal. Absolutely crystal."

"Good." She turned away from him, tucking her knife…somewhere…with a flourish. "Now where is the hot chocolate mix?"

"Downstairs," Steve said. "I think Barton took it down to the archery range."

Natasha growled. "Stupid, absolute сумасшедший стрелец, которого я люблю и считаю настолько дорогим для моего сердца," she muttered, stalking out of the room.

Silenced reigned for a few moments. "Guys?" Bruce said, breaking the silence, "I think Natasha might be having, umm, _feminine_ problems."

"Feminine problems?"

"Yeah, uh, you know, when a woman, uh, gets_ upset_, for one week out of the month?"

Dead silence fell again as the four Avengers soaked in the information. Tony gave a grim smile like he had seen this coming, Bruce bit his lip and stared at the ground, and Steve turned bright red at mere mention of _that_. Thor's reaction was most strange: he made some sort of sign over his heart and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Thor?" Steve said, looking strangely at his actions, "What was that?"

"It was a sign to repel Nidhogg, who seeks to destroy Yggdrasil from existence."

Tony and Steve both turned to Bruce for a "translation." Bruce sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It's like the embodiment of evil, okay? Now can we focus on what we're going to do with Natasha's…problem?"

"We could….um…we could…," Steve murmured.

"Make her coffee?" Tony suggested.

"Perhaps we could go on a quest without her?" Thor asked hopefully.

"Won't she figure out where we've gone missing and hunt us down for leaving her alone?"

Bruce spoke up. "Speaking of missing…where's Hawkeye?"

Tony's eyes lit up. "Hey, she and Barton know each other for years. If anyone knows what to do, it him!"

"One small problem: guys," Steve said, "we don't know where he is. And on top of that, we don't really know if…you know…that…is the problem."

"Odds on that they are, Steve," Bruce said. "I think we should try to call Clint. They are best friends."

"And more," Tony snuck in slyly.

Bruce sighed. "Jarvis, could you call Clint?"

"Of course, Dr. Banner," Jarvis replied. They all heard the ringing as they waited.

"Guys, I know you love me, but I'm in the middle of a job." Clint voice echoed through the room.

"Are you being attacked?" Tony asked, interested.

"No…"

"Seducing a temptress with information?"

"No…"

"Then why shouldn't we call you?"

Clint gave a long-suffering sigh. "What's up?"

A babble of voices broke loose.

"Natasha is having porb-"

"Scolding the Prince of Asgard over a drink-"

"We wanted to know-"

"Only a matter of time-"

"SHUT UP!" Clint yelled. They quieted. "Okay, is Steve there?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Who's attacking us?"

Steve shifted uncomfortably. "No one. But, um, Natasha…"

"What's going on with Nat?" An edge had entered into his voice.

"Well, we think….she might…" The color of his face was comparable to a cherry.

"We think she's on her period," Tony interrupted, seemingly undisturbed by the subject.

A snigger came through. "Did someone forget to put on a pot of coffee? Or sit in her chair? Or breathe?"

"Coffee." Then it caught up with them what he had just said. "What a minute, how did you know−"

Clint broke in smoothly. "I figured out years ago that there was always three or four days, the same days, every month, where she was always much more_ volatile._ I started asking Fury for one-man jobs for those days. Actually, I convinced him to make it part of my contract."

Each Avenger's face displayed a different emotion: Steve, incredulity, Thor, confusion, Tony, admiration, Bruce, exasperation.

"What do we do then?" Bruce asked.

"Make her coffee? There is a reason I'm in Japan and not there right now. Oh, speaking of which, I have to go. See you!"

"What, no, Hawkeye, don't" –the dial tone sounded- "hang up…" Steve tapered off.

The four of them stared at each other, until Tony cracked a smile. "Who wants to go to Malibu?"

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**Huh, huh? I figure Natasha would be the rip-your-throat-out-I-will-kill-you type when she's on her period. I love coming up with crack. It's so ridiculous. Leave a review? Or not? I'm grinning just thinking about what I wrote, you can leave one or not.**


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